Heavens A Dream

Trilogy

2006-04-01T16:10:00.000-08:00

And so it begins, the begining of the end... the last of this great trilogy of mine. Here i am staring down the barrell of a gun. I have faith that i will wake up soon enough and everything will be right as rain. I'll see you all on the other side. I guess you just have to never stop believing, if you stop beliving then what is there anymore?

A shout out to my family...mom, dad, Maria, Julie (thanx for the cool ipod Ju Ju Mum & Dad!), my best friend Zuhdi and everyone else i care about in my life. Maybe i don't call or see some of you as much as i would like, but times have been hard over the years.. and lately i have just been focusing on myself in order to get better in my own way. Maybe some would not understand but i ask for your forgiveness nevertheless.

Peace out and happiness to all =)

Sweet Mixes

2006-04-01T15:35:00.000-08:00

The sun is just begining to rise in the distance, picking up my sis Maria soon *yay*!
As usual listening to sweet mixes and also updating my iPod *double yay*!
Going for an all out food binge with sisters today, guess my sis from england will get to catch up on her local cuisine.

Can you remember?

2006-03-20T04:43:00.000-08:00

Again i find myself listen to a beautiful mix by atb, its called 'trilogy'....what goes through my mind as i listen to this song?

I feel an almost sureal surrender of my soul, maybe a prelude of things to come..... almost a far away vision of a place i may never ever reach.

Damn..practically 4 months have past but , there you are....right there at my finger tips once again...so close i can almost taste you. I wont deny the facts...your here with me, almost like a saint by my side calling me to walk the familiar path...something i have been trying to avoid for so long...but your familiarity calls me once again. God i feel you, so close to my body..what will i do? I really dont know anymore.

Mere Painters

2006-03-18T23:25:00.000-08:00

After so long of searching, thinking and questioning....i guess i have come to realize within the last year or so that i have been for so long chasing a dream...a vision...an ideal. I realize that there is no perfect life. I was wrong, i lost focus...I know now that the journey is so much more important than the dream, no matter how simple or how complicated. The canvas is in front of us all..how will you paint it? With a gentle stroke of the brush? That is all up to us to decide, may we all paint a beautiful image, rich with emotions, feelings and experiences...may we all one day walk away from the canvas as artists and look at it one last time and smile at our work...before we have to go.

Some theatre & some good exercise.

2006-03-18T03:49:00.000-08:00

GAMARJOBAT "a shut up comedy"

Went to The Actors Studio this afternoon to watch two Japanese mime artists. All i can say is that they were absolutely brilliant! Hilarious!....dad, Ju Ju and Don loved it... Have not had that much fun at a show in a long long time. Just what i needed to brighten the day up =)

Am sleeping early tonight and waking up early to start back up on my exercise routine, which has been put off for a while...aiming for full body exercises with some outdoors activities, gonna try to push the limits once again. Done it before, I'll do it again.

Belief

2006-03-16T06:02:00.000-08:00

How i pray for an eternal sleep, god i just wish i can go to sleep...i need to rest so bad, so bad it hurts.

Do you ever wonder what the fuck is going on in the present?? so many choices, directions, its all mind numbing at times...sometimes the mind just wont move on, its a sick and twisted being operating on its own free will...almost a self made hell, i accept that fact and try to deal with it everyday but at times the voices and emotions are just too overwhelming... "sick and tired of being sick and tired".....

On a postive note... have a few solid business prospects which are in current development, real oportunities...to be frank and honest, if my ideas go through the window, i dont really care... the most important thing to me right now is that i can do whatever i believe in, if i really want too....if it works out or not... is a whole separate issue.. what i need to know is that i have put my full faith in something that i really believed in. Thats all i need, to believe in myself once again.

Call on me

2006-03-14T09:25:00.000-08:00

Fuck....I'm here listening to this song and like an unnatural stream of thoughs and emotions are flooding from my brain....wooahhh...have i gone insane?? probably... "Call on me.." "Call on me"....

HAhaha...it wont be long now....wont be long at all... guess 'im outta touch' =)

Sometimes i think this RM 2000 speaker set i have bought will be my undoing...all the music i seem to listen to these days seem to trigger some kind of maddness within me....hahaha laughing about it makes things so much better =)

Hmmm...

2006-03-14T08:28:00.000-08:00

Gosh here i am again, happyness seems to be lonlyness... pretty pissed at the moment, so pissed that my last post i wrote somehow has dissapeared...

Making plans to go to India within the next 6 mothes...going to an ashram for about 2 months. No electrity, a matress about one inche deep to sleep on, lots of purging and general healing. I think this trip will do me a whole lot of good...RM3,000 well spent i think =)

On a side note, went out with Caroline today, she is a dear... one of the people who i know walk a similar path as me... i really can just be myself around her, you know...without fear of predjuice...

On a good note, i have a date set up with an ex girlfriend of mine.. i want to try to make things right, as funny as that may sound... she was always really there for me, guess timing was all off for me at the time...but i feel so much better these days, whatever it is i dont want to rush anything.

My Lost Brother.

2006-03-12T03:20:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i wish you were here again...you were one of the people who understood, you knew where i came from. When i first met you, i saw myself in you, i saw the boy that i was, the shadow of who i once was. I made a promise to myself that i would try at all costs to spare you from the pain that i had felt. Maybe i could redeem myself through you. I tried so hard, so so hard. I did make you understand the things that you felt and the consequences of your actions.... i tried so hard to spare you from it, i tried so hard. Looking at you was almost like looking at myself... a mirror image of my past. God only knows how hard i tried. I feel like i failed you, my friend. I have realized that i can no longer help you, i have gone as far as i can with you my friend. It is now up to you to free yourself from this hell we both share. The sad thing is that i thought that if i helped you, maybe you could help me free myself. I guess i was wrong, or maybe you were not ready, maybe you did not understand yet. Whatever it is i know that we can never see each other again, i will miss you dearly my brother...you were one of the only ones that really knew me for who i am. I wont forget you and i pray that time will heal your wounds. Maybe one day we shall walk freely across this bridge we seek in the distant horizon.

The angel from my nightmare.

2006-03-12T02:51:00.000-08:00

I hear you, however faint i still hear you....
almost a light whisper in the wind,
but i still here you.
It's calling me again, it will never stop,
don't ever think it will stop....
if you do, you know it will find you again....
not again, pls not again.
I am wiser now to your tricks,
your soft sweet lull,
your healing touch,
god i miss you...
how can i miss the devil?
that, I may never know...
I do know that if you find me again,
this dangereous game of hide and seek,
we play with each other day after day...may be my last intimate game with you.
I fear that I'm weakening everyday,
your so close to finding me again,
I'm shaking with anticaption,
please...just let me have my peace, please.

Aroma Therapy.

2006-03-08T04:48:00.000-08:00

I lay here...the ocean ahead of me,
and i remember, yet i try to forget,
the feelings, the emotions, the pain.
That lady...she walked by me,
that smell...that beautiful smell,
unconciously memories began resurfacing,
I thought they were gone...lost to the ocean.
Yet I am here once again...in my mind,
a time where things were so simple in nature.
Why must you bring me back here?
I never asked to come back,
I never asked to remember,
Why must you haunt me?

Need a break : Penang

2006-03-08T04:37:00.000-08:00

Just came back from Penang earlier this afternoon. Sitting by the beach with a few beers through out the day really gets your mind thinking about things, mostly random things... but some important things as well. Came up with random writings from a shuffled mind that i will share in my next posts. All in all, a good R&R holiday with my father who also was in need of a good R&R holiday. Guess i spent most of the time bonding with my father who i want to catch up with on times that i have missed since i have been ill, in the past.

Can you believe that DVD's are only $4.00 in Penang?? i have a theory that Penang is one of the places where legal optical disc factories are churning out pirated DVD's. Tried to come up with a business plan relating to pirated disc's, but the plan was shot down by my biz partner who is much more 'legal' than i am in certain respects =) All for the greater good, I am sure.

Nobody On The Run.

2006-03-03T08:09:00.000-08:00

In less than a month im going into hospital. There is much to gain and at the same time much to lose. Guess i have been waiting for a part of my peace for some time, will it come this time? Im listening to a beautiful mix, right now...kinda makes me feel like closing my eyes and just 'feeling' all the senses and emotions around me. I think i'll listen to it just before they wheel me into the operating room, i would like to feel like im in a place where nothing ever mattered, just a blissful calm before i go under the gas.

Sometimes i feel like I'm on the top of a cliff looking down at a beautiful ocean, the wind through my hair and just staring at the distant horizon. Its so far away and everything just blends into one another, almost like a place your trying to reach but have not figured out how to get there just yet.

My Dear Sisters

2006-02-26T01:53:00.000-08:00

I miss my old sis (one on the left)... talk to her every week from england and guess what?.. she would really like to come down and see me again, before i go in for my op. She came down about a month ago to spend some time with me before my op (for anyone who does not know, my op was supposed to be on the 11th of Jan, but my surgeon fucked up my op date almost 9 months ago and by putting it on a public holiday). She now wants to come down again...god i love her, spending so much $ and time off work in london to come see me. Cant wait.

2006-02-22T07:40:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder what this life is all for? I contemplate this very thought almost everday, there must be some purpose, or some role that i have to play in the complicated life.... trying to figure it all out i guess. I do have a plan, but thats my last resort plan, as it involves pure dedication, if i do it i wanna do it right, you know?.

Where did it all go?

2006-02-22T07:09:00.000-08:00

Right now am just wondering where i am heading in life. I guess im just trying to figure out my own way in this big old life we all must go through. If i could go back in time and smack myself over and over again for being the fool that i was when i was younger, i would so do it....how foolish have i been, so foolish that i think my whole life has been ruined through the bad choices i have made. I guess i mostly feel so alone in this world and long for someone who understands me for who i am....maybe i'll never find that person, but hope never dies. I have ruined many relationships in the past due to my so called 'principles'. I so regret one of the chances i had in the past, she was so caring and loving towards me, when i think about it no one has been like that to me. I guess have wasted a chance to be happy with someone who really understood me. The worst part is that she never gave up on me, something that many ppl i have know do because of my character which many ppl dont understand. But i was the one that pushed her away... Im so sorry for that, you may never know how sorry i feel.